Learnin’ to Walk Again: How 24 May (Not) Be My Year.

November 17, 2015November 16, 2015Leave a comment

Now I know what you’re (Kristen) thinking.
“This girl is so depressing! Glass half empty!”

BUT hear me out.

For some reason ever since I turned 23, I’ve felt like I’ve been experiencing my (early) quarter life crisis and now that I’ve turned 24 – I still don’t feel like I have my sh*t together.

For some reason this anxiety always takes over whenever I’m alone in my car driving to and from work. (It probably doesn’t help that my commute is easily 40+ minutes.)
I’ll admit this is mostly my fault because I always end up listening to heartbreak/my life sucks songs. Why these are my songs of choice, LORDE knows. (I blame the feels I get from belting out “I Will Survive” while driving on the interstate.)
I’ve always heard that whenever you have something on your mind, it’s best to write it out and get it off your chest. Of course some of these things I probably shouldn’t be posting to the internet because then it’ll probably end up on my E! true Hollywood story when I become a famous _______. (Future producer of my documentary, please fill this in at your earliest convenience. Thanks!)
But part of me feels like I can’t be the only one who feels this way. I’m also interested to see if some of these things will change within the next couple of years.

(Please note that these things will probably read better if you’re listening to some mid 2000’s punk pop. Preferably some “Take this to your Grave” by Fall Out Boy.)

Am I a failure?

Most of my close friends (bless them) know about my personal struggles over the past year with this question. I felt alone all the time. Even though I was constantly with people! It’s pretty silly to read that as I type it because I’m in a better place now, but the feeling still creeps up every so often.
I felt very defeated and drained for having to deal with various negatives things and people. None of which matter anymore but it was very rough on me mentally and emotionally.
I’m proud to say that I’m now I’m at a better place all around. I’ve gotten a promotion at work and am surrounded by some pretty amazing people that are always there to cheer me on. Even after I’ve listened to “Little Too Much” by Natasha Beddingfield a little too much. (HAD TO!)

Help me, I’m poor.

This one is a bit more embarrassing than I’d like to admit. I daily wish I could magically add two zeros to the $5 in my checking account. I also ignore the tumbleweeds in my savings account.

But that’s what happens when you’re a independent person that has to pay for:

Rent
Car
Car Insurance
Renters insurance
Health Insurance
Gas
Credit card debt from when that lady at Wells Fargo suggested I use a credit card to pay off things in college (WHY WOULD YOU SET UP A 18 YEAR OLD FOR FAILURE)
Various other debts
The list goes on and on.

Sometimes I literally feel like Lily from How I Met Your Mother.

And I know someday there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. And I really owe a lot of credit to my boyfriend that takes on all the groceries and bills at our apartment. (You are an angel from Heaven.)
But waiting for that moment to come really keeps me up at night – I can’t wait for the moment I’ll finally be able to add that extra guac into a burrito at Chipotle.

Relationships are hard.

Hollywood. I have you to blame for most of this.
Having never dated someone for 20+ years and growing up on TV shows and movies that made relationships seem like a piece of cake has been the single biggest letdown of my life. Only One Tree Hill has semi refreshed my judgement and that’s only because they’ve literally scared me from thinking happiness is possible. JK, but if you’re a OTH fan, you’ll understand.
I’m not saying that my current relationship is the worst thing I have going on in my life and that my boyfriend is terrible, but I was genuinely thinking that once I got a boyfriend everything would be easy as 1, 2, 3.

I’m currently very blessed to say I have an amazing boyfriend that puts up with all my craziness, but it’s taken a lot to get to this point!

By a lot I mean:

A lot of bickering over little things (I’ll never forget the 20 minute Brita battle)
A lot of crying (on my end)
A lot of real arguments

But these moments have also made me appreciate when I know I’ve found a great guy. Someone who:

Holds me when I cry over having a rough day or week.
Makes me laugh over silly inside jokes we create together
Is always there to push me to be a better person and encourages me to follow my dreams.

Why aren’t I successful and traveling the world like everyone else?

This one is more selfish than anything.

I’ll admit it’s hard for me to not become envious whenever I scroll through my Facebook or Instagram feed and see someone travel to a cool new place or afford things I can only get in my dreams. That dumb little green monster always likes to whisper in my ear.
BUT I am more than that.

I have found my new mantra and I will live by it.

I will look back on this post and know that even though 24 may not be my year because I won’t be able to change most of these things in less than 12 months, I will learn to be positive. I will encourage myself to be the best person I can be.

I’ll get to be 100% comfortable with my life and know that everything will be okay.

Let’s make our drives full of happy music and count our blessings!
We’ve got this gang!

Peace n’ Blessins,

Pam

Females are Strong as Hell!

August 12, 2015August 14, 2015Leave a comment

Alternatively titled: A great reason to explain why Mindy Kaling is my spirit animal.

Last week when I was out for drinks with Kristen, we discussed the top 5 women we wish we could be best friends with. We each took a couple of minutes to think about it and explain why each lady on our list was important. This is something I’ve been thinking about ever since we had the conversation – naturally I had to blog about it so I can explain to you guys about why I love these women so much and how they’ve impacted me as a person.

Natalie Portman
There isn’t much to explain here, I’m pretty confident when I say Natalie Portman seems like she would be the coolest person to hang out with. She’s an amazing actress, she gets to film movies with some of the hottest actors in the biz (I’m looking at you Ashton Kutcher and Chris Hemsworth) AND I spent most of my college years quoting her rap. Natalie, you are a bad-ass bitch.

Beyoncé
Do I even have to explain this one? I would love to wake up someday and have as much power, beauty and money as Queen Bey. Also, I’m really curious to see if she does in fact wake up ***Flawless. Or if in reality she’s like the rest of us and wakes up like Anna from Frozen.

This is something I’d easily be able to witness if I was her best friend. We would hang out all the time and have sleepovers where I’d help her make low-budget yet iconic music videos while Jay-Z takes care of Blue Ivy. Because we all know Jay-Z would have babysitting duties while B and P run this town. (That has SUCH a ring to it. Move OVER Taylor and Karlie.)

Jennifer Lawrence
I am so insanely jealous of how effortlessly cool Jennifer Lawrence seems. I bet she’s one of those friends I can call up if I wanna have a lazy, eat-pizza-while-binge-watching-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer kind of days. Then we’d go party at a music festival while hanging out backstage with all of our rockstar friends.

It surprises me that the entertainment industry is baffled by this young actress that acts like a normal 25 year old. It’s refreshing to see someone call it like it is – say they’ve spent an entire day getting ready for an event and complain about how hungry they are. In reality anyone would be starving and cranky if they were her! I would be so hangry I’d probably force Ryan Seacrest to order me a pizza and not keep my cool at all when it got delivered.

Katy Perry
Katy freakin’ Perry. It’s giving me goosebumps just thinking of how amazing it’d be to be besties with my favorite pop star. When I first found out about Katy and that one little single she put out, I immediately followed her Tumblr where she would post updates via Vimeo. It was great to see her make her way into the spotlight and show the world what an amazing artist she is. After getting a sense of her personality and becoming obsessed with her songs I knew I was going to be a KatyCat for life.

Can you image all the laughs we’d share while sitting in a cat cafe? I bet we’d spend hours watching cat video after cat video or talking about all the important pop culture moments and music we missed because of our childhoods. (We’re both on different sides when it comes to this. She had a sheltered upbringing because of her religious parents and I mostly only listened to Spanish pop until the 7th grade.)

To say I’m a fan is an understatement. Attending one of her concerts was one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever gotten to witness and I would love to be a part of the crew that puts it all together. Katy, if you’re reading this and need someone to help you on your next tour – holla at yo girl.

Mindy Kaling.
Let’s get straight to the point of why you’re here.

I’m positive Mindy Kaling is my spirit animal.
“Pam, how do you know that? You’ve been fan-girling over all these other women – what makes Mindy so special?”
First off, HOW DARE YOU.
Second, let me explain myself.
You see, I didn’t know much about Mindy until her book and the title caught my eye while I was browsing in a bookstore a couple of years ago. I grabbed it and sat down to read the first couple of pages to see if it was worth purchasing.

“IS everyone hanging out without me? I was a sensitive kid too! I WASN’T COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL EITHER. HOW DOES SHE KNOW ME?!”

Mindy’s story telling and her quirky one liners fascinated me as I became engrossed page after page. I immediately walked up to the counter, threw money at the cashier and ran home to read the rest. (Just kidding, I paid like a normal human being but I needed to emphasize how desperately I wanted to keep reading the book in the comfort of my pillow fort at home.)

Later on she released The Mindy Project and obviously I had to binge watch that as soon as it became available on Hulu.

I’d love to spend a day with her gossiping about celebrities; like why Zayn left One Direction and come up with his potential solo album titles while inhaling Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. We could also spend the day online shopping, watching classic rom-coms and still inhale ice cream.

If I had the chance to meet Mindy, I’d definitely thank her for being herself and giving a voice to some of the concerns I’d often worry about.

Also, Mindy. If you ever stumble upon this blog post I just want you to know that I think it’s BS that you aren’t a part of the Ghostbusters reboot because you called dibs on being a part of that cast back in 2011! I GOTCHO BACK GIRL.

Who would be your top 5 favorite people to hang out with?

Sidenote about my title: If you haven’t had a chance to see the “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” on Netflix, then you my dear friend are missing out on one of the greatest theme songs in TV (streaming) history.
It combines my two favorite things: Catchy songs and mashups ala Youtube. (Think, “Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife”)

True Life: How I Got out of the Friend Zone

July 16, 2015July 16, 2015Leave a comment

Dating is tough, especially with all these dating apps and sites making you feel like you’ll find the one right away. What they don’t tell you is that it’s never that easy. I personally chose to wait until I got into a relationship with someone I could consider my best friend.

Make dating easy for yourself. Try and have fun! Meet lots of new guys and put yourself out there! Once you let go of all the expectations, you might find yourself meeting that special someone out of the blue and it’ll all be worth it.

Try and keep your cool – unlike my friend Chandler here.

I’m not here to say I’m an expert on relationships, because Lorde knows my boyfriend and I pick fights over the dumbest things. Mostly this is a “this is what I’ve learned/what I wish I would’ve done instead” type of post.

Living in the Friend Zone: I used to live in the friend zone and I was totally okay with that. The thought of dating boys terrified me because I had no idea how to be someone’s girlfriend.
I grew up in a single-parent household where it was just my mom and I – very Gilmore Girls, minus the witty banter because Hispanic mothers are not about that.

I got my tips on dating from movies and shows, which we all know is a huge letdown because I never had a guy write me a letter every day or play a boom box outside my window (granted I grew up in the Walkman/iPod era, so it would’ve had to have been on a speaker system.)

hlosUPW The most attention I ever got from a guy was if I was helping him with his homework (i.e. let them copy, but joke was on them because I was not a straight A’s student) or if I quoted some song or movie the certain person liked. Even if I got attention from a guy, I had no idea how to handle it – I feel like I self-sabotaged lots of potential relationships because I was so awkward.

Tip: If you ever feel/have confirmation from a friend that a guy likes you, seize the moment. You’ll look back on this and regret you never said anything if you don’t.

If you don’t care about rejection, then tell him yourself! Make sure you’ve talked to this guy long enough to where you know you want to pursue something and mention you’d like to go to dinner and a movie sometime. If he’s interested, he’ll be all for it. If he’s not, hopefully he won’t be a jerk about it and let you down easy. If he’s an ass, then GOOD RIDDANCE. (Please make sure to give me his address so we can slash his tires while blasting some Carrie Underwood.)

The one that got away:
I was in the fifth grade and I was head over heels for this boy named Jorge.
From what I remember, he was tall (for a fifth grader), Hispanic, played sports and word in the hallway was he liked me too! I’m pretty sure we never dated because we were waiting till we went to middle school in order to feel more ~mature~ about it.
Then, I switched middle schools the summer before 6th grade and I never saw him again.

More than “Just Friends”:
“EVERYONE KNOWS WE’RE MEANT TO BE, FALLING IN LOVE JUST YOU AND ME TILL THE END OF TIME.” If you can name that song, then you and I should be best friends forever.

Picture this: You and your “friend” have been hanging out for a couple of weeks/months/years now and you both can feel the chemistry. You are constantly hanging out with this person and you would love to make this official. When do you jump into the relationship? My experience was definitely different from your average, “Hey I like you, and we should date” scenario.

I knew my boyfriend for a full year before we started dating. We were introduced to each other my freshmen year of college and we spoke/hung out occasionally until the mid-way through the fall semester of my sophomore year. Since we lived in the same apartment complex, this made it super easy to call each other up and say “Hey, wanna study?” or “Hey, wanna go out to eat?”

I didn’t think anything of it until we had a fall out with a mutual friend that turned out to be a scum-sucking road whore that tried to ruin our lives. We found comfort in each other as we both ended up losing friends and were both embarrassed we let this person into our life.
Months later, we were definitely hanging out more often than normal friends do.

I think the moment everything changed and went into this “soooo, are we dating?” situation was when he kissed me during SXSW 2012 while we listened to that “Young, Wild and Free” song by Snoop Dogg. Yes, this was my first kiss song and it was very romantic.

Months followed and he still hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, but we were “technically” dating.

Tip: This is what I meant by, “If you have confirmation someone likes you, then bite the bullet and ASK THEM OUT.” Do NOT wait this out. Boys can be clueless and assume you’re dating without having to ask you.

It wasn’t until one evening in November (yes, I waited this long) when we were working out that I finally got clarification on our relationship status. I was telling him this story about how a guy was trying to ask me out earlier that day on the shuttle to school.

To this he simply went, “Why didn’t you tell him you were seeing someone?”
Me: “Because I didn’t know I was seeing someone? Am I seeing someone?”
Boyfriend: “Yes!”
Me: “Then why haven’t you asked me to be your girlfriend??”
Boyfriend: “Because…” he paused, “I haven’t asked someone out in a long time!”

He said this all in one breath and quickly went back to working out. Turns out he was too nervous to ask me out because he didn’t want to lose me as a friend/girlfriend. (Even guys get shy about asking someone out.)

Now, I tell you this story because if you have the same awkward situation going on in your life, make sure to clear things up immediately!
I wouldn’t change my experience for anything in the world. I think it’s hilarious and now I’m head over heels for this goofy, talented guy that makes me feel like it was all worth it.

—

This week’s post is dedicated to a certain special someone to celebrate our three year anniversary.
You’re all I need, and I love you and I like you, B!

Dear 16 Year Old Pam:

July 10, 2015Leave a comment

meinplane Following in the style of Kristen and Ale, I got inspired to write some advice to my younger self and compare as to how the decisions I made in the past molded me into the person I am today. This will also include some cautions that I hope current 16 year olds will consider (Hey, wassup, Hello, you! I keep it chill and totes know all the modern lingo. YOLO, amirite?)

Also the fact that I was 16, seven years ago is blowing my mind right now! If I had been on 16 and pregnant, my child would be in elementary school! (Like usual I compare my life to that of a reality show.)

Dear 2008 Pam:

Let me start off by saying things in 23 year-old Pam’s world are completely different than what we imagined. I know by this time in our life we wanted to be touring the world with one of our favorite bands (probably the Fall Out Boy/Cobra Starship/The Academy Is…) What exactly we wanted to do was unknown – we just wanted to be that person side stage that helped make shows as fun as they were when we experienced them.

Let me give you some insight as to how our life turned out regarding some of the things we daydreamed about in Biology class.

This was literally me in Biology class. This was somewhere between listening to lots of Reggaeton (What happened to that? Did they run out of Gasolina?) and discovering my love for Pop Punk. Also, please note the bandage on my hand from a Bunsen burner and my pink ACDC hoodie.

This was literally me in Biology class. I think this was when I stopped listening to reggaeton (What happened to that? Did they run out of Gasolina?) and discovered my love for Pop Punk. Also, please note the bandage on my hand from a Bunsen burner, chunky yellow highlights and pink ACDC hoodie.

Am I lame for not being in the “popular” crowd?:

As our future favorite author Mindy Kaling states in her book,

“Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.”

This quote should single-handedly be your mantra for the next couple of years.
I know we don’t normally stress about trying to fit in with the cool kids, but I’ll admit that we wished we were out raging past midnight or going on all these adventures like our classmates.

Trust me when I say that you’ll have plenty of adventures in years to come, especially once you meet some really great people that push you out of your comfort zone! (Shout out to my ovaries before brovaries and bae!)

Ah, see? I too went through the “Duck Face” phase… apparently while on the yearbook computers.

Get involved in school activities:

Let me be the first to tell you that you will bond with a lot of people in the future when you mention that you used to spend hours playing The Sims, but for our benefit try to get involved in journalism or newspaper. This way, we have a better idea of what we want to do with our career AND you’ll get out of the house. It’s a win, win!

It wasn’t until senior year of yearbook (which you’ll join because you want to hang out with your then BFF) that we will realize we like taking pictures/helping communicate to people about a brand/person! Turns out you’re actually pretty good at it because *spoiler alert* you’ll win at a UIL competition for it! (Side note: When you win this, definitely keep competing. Don’t be scared to try new things and go new places.)

Leaving for College:

Which brings me to my next point. Don’t be afraid to look at places other than UTEP. Don’t feel pressured to stay in El Paso. This will be hard for mom to understand, but ultimately she’ll be very proud of you.

In the last couple of years you’ve moved to a completely different city (might as well consider it a state) and you graduated from a great school in under 4 years! You’re going to accomplish great things when you follow your gut. We’re also living in one of the coolest cities in the state and have a close group of friends that make you laugh until your stomach hurts. So whenever you get worried about leaving all your friends and family behind, just know that you’ll soon find a close group of people that you will consider your second family.

Mom:

Oh mom – isn’t she the cutest? Make sure to hang out with her even if it’s just watching over-dramatic Novelas while she’s asleep on the couch. You’ll miss the way she goes “Ay Pame.” whenever you’d rant about something dumb or the way she’d always say hello to your cat before she says hi to you. (We both secretly know she loves that cat more than anything.)

chata If there’s anything I can forewarn you about, it’s to make sure that cat is house trained before you leave. When Chata (Cat in french with an extra a – ~smooth~) passes away while you’re at college, it’ll be the most heartbreaking call you’ll ever experience.

Mom is better now, I think she still misses someone to take care of but she’s better. She’ll be your biggest cheerleader and best friend – despite her wish to have you back home.
Also, please try and learn some cooking tips from her. This will be very beneficial in your future. I still regret never making her teach me her barbeque chicken recipe.

Get this girl a gavel:

One of the most important things we learned when leaving El Paso is that not everyone has the same views on things as you do. (It’s taken us 7 years to learn this!)
Try to put yourself in other people’s shoes before you judge their actions. This will cause issues in future friendships but ultimately you’ll learn your lesson. Besides, it’ll work out for the better whenever you stop being friends with that blonde girl who told lies faster than fire burns paper.

Boys – sometimes a girl doesn’t need one:

I bet this was something you were anxiously waiting for me to talk about.

I included AWG because at this point he was the ultimate bae (in 2015 this will take the place of “boo”.) I don’t blame you. After all these years we’ll still swoon over his stupid, beautiful face.

Good news is, just like we suspected, it’s not the end of the world if you wait until you find a good guy. If I remember correctly, we’re currently crushing on the pot smoker who you tutor after school?
(How very, Tutor Girl/One Tree Hill of you!)

As I remember this, I’m surprised at how well you picked out your crushes! (Hear me out.)

Even though he’s high 95% of the time, he always buys you your favorite tea and is very polite and understanding that you don’t do the drugs and alcohol thing.
This friendship was strictly business! He’s a good guy, but I’m glad we never dated him. THAT would’ve gone over very badly with mom.
(Fun side note: You’ll run into him one summer after you come back from college and he’ll thank you for singlehandedly helping him graduate high school. It’s a cool moment!)

There were a couple of other boys in the mix after that. One was clueless and you spent almost a year and a half trying to get him to notice you while you helped him apply for colleges.
The other one would’ve been fun, but he never seemed to pick up on the clues that we liked him. Looking back on it now, present Pam would’ve said something but it probably worked out for the better! These things definitely happen for a reason.

Maybe if we had at least tried dating one of these boys, you’d have a better idea of this girlfriend thing and give your future boyfriend less headaches.

I won’t tell you about the boy we end up with or how it happens – that would ruin the surprise! Just know that you won the lottery with this one and you’re lucky you’re in love with your best friend.

~~ENOUGH OF THAT.~~

I included this picture of myself with magenta hair, because we used to do this.

I included this picture of myself with magenta hair – because I’m still proud we did this.

Just for our entertainment, I want to review the songs from 2008 we were BUMPIN on that little CD player you took to the bathroom when you were getting ready for school. (At this point, future Pam would like to take some time and give you kudos for being able to stay up until 1 a.m. then wake back up at 6:00 for school. How you did that is pure wizardry.)

I Kissed a Girl – Katy Perry
PAST PAM. Let me be the first to warn you, PLEASE go see Katy Perry perform when you go to Warped. You will get in line for the meet and greet and be 2 people away from her before they cut the line, but listen to her road crew when they say she has a set coming up. You will be semi-butt hurt because you didn’t get to meet her and you will regret every single day of your life that you didn’t watch her set before she turned into a pop star.

When I Grow Up – The Pussycat Dolls
I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but the Pussycat Dolls are no more.
Also, I still don’t know if they say groupies or boobies – the internet will not confirm.

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) – Beyonce
Beyonce is queen in 2015 and this will be the song everyone plays at their wedding when you have to stand on the dance floor and pretend you want a ring on it. (We currently are working to convince our boyfriend we want a puppy.)

–

Get back to surfing the web and figuring out your new myspace profile. That’s all for now kiddo. Be proud of who you are and keep doing what you do!

Future Pam

You Know What They Say When You Assume…

June 30, 2015Leave a comment

When I become a mother, I’m going to make sure to emphasize to my child that being a kid will be the easiest thing they’ll ever have to do in their life. Not in a naggy, “You don’t appreciate anything” kind of way, but in a “Dude, appreciate naps now because in college you’ll literally daydream about taking a nap” way.

Kids have it so easy! They get to nap, watch tv and play all day, homework is easy and they never have to budget or worry about their taxes. As kids though, we also run into a lot of awkward moments that will scar us for the rest of our lives – especially when we’re trying to go to sleep and our brains seem to think this is the best time to bring an awkward moment up.

Here’s elementary school Pam modeling her newest shoes, featuring Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She was my favorite “Disney Princess” – my mom never corrected this.

One of my favorite memories from being a kid is when I tried acting like I had my life together and the universe gave me a big, NOPE. We’ve all done it. We’ve tried to act like badasses before realizing, to our embarrassment, we were dead wrong.

One morning while I was in the fourth grade, I remember getting off a bus and running to the playground to show my best friend my new Esmeralda sneakers I’d gotten for my birthday.
I spotted my friend’s long brown hair across the field and immediately took off at full speed to greet her. Once I reached her, I playfully poked her in the back (something we always did) to let her know I had arrived. The brown hair swooped around and to my horror the face staring back at me was not my best friend.

This random girl stared at me – making the world slow down to the most painfully awkward seconds of my entire life. I was literally paralyzed in fear as I stared at this stranger. After about two more seconds, I turned around and ran across the blacktop straight into the hall of my homeroom.

Sometimes I can still hear the squeak of my sneakers running down the hall when I drive by elementary schools. *shivers*

Good thing is I made this mistake back in elementary school, not over social media like someone else I know.(Don’t worry Kim… I too thought it was Georgio…)

Being a kid is all about learning how to deal with situations like this when you’re thrown out into society as an adult. Thankfully, this experience has made me become more aware of who I’m going to greet before I approach them. I’ll definitely make sure to let my future children know that they need to take all this into consideration before they go around poking random children.

Awkward Adults

Let's get weird.

Category: Pam