I am always late to the party — literally and figuratively. I’m generally the last one to hop on board a trend, to find out about some rando celeb drama, and I’m also pretty late to most social events. Let me tell you, it makes for awkward smalltalk. “Yeah so that glee is really something
huh? Don’t stop believing….” Yeah, exactly. I’d like to blame it on my sheltered childhood, which I for the record am not ashamed of. I remained blissfully ignorant on a lot of things well into my late teens and early twenties (I can feel Pam laughing at how old I’m getting *desperately searches for the middle finger emoji*). Boys, dating, fashion, the list goes on, but now as my quarter-life crisis comes to a peak, I find it a bit ridiculous that I know next to nothing about makeup.
To be clear, I know a few things. I know what foundation is. I have somewhat figured out the right color for me. I can do a decent smokey eye look (which only a fourth of the time looks like a black eye). But don’t you dare talk about my brows, they are perfectly fine the way they are.
Anyway, I saw this tumblr post that made me want to try a few things. Four different shades of foundation (it took a while to find the right one!) and one hour later, I found myself with what felt like a pound of makeup on and only questionable success. It was time to make a trip.
So, I probably should have went to a place like ulta or sephora or something like that. Instead I went to Target, which in my opinion is the motherland. I had a list, I was ready. I needed all the makeup, and bread… Two birds, you know.
I was… less than successful. Let me walk you through my experience.
- Oh my god, my face feels so heavy.
- Do I look like I’m trying to hard?
- Did she just throw shade at me?
- To be fair I did almost walk into her
- It is very hard to inconspicuously take a decent selfie and walk
- But I’m trying not to make eye contact with anyone
- my face is like noticeably lighter than the rest of me, which I don’t think was the plan
- …that eyeshadow was probably not for contouring.
- oh wait I have a coupon for maxi skirts
- oooOOOOoo pretty!
- don’t touch your face, because it you touch your face everything you touch will be smeared in brown. SAVE ALL OF THE THINGS
- No. Kristen, you are on a mission. BRead and makeup that’s it!
- Okay here at the makeup aisle
- God, there is just so much stuff
- What do I do with pressed powder?
- Is there a difference between BB cream and BB balm?
- What the hell is CC?!?!
- MYBRAIN IS MALFUNCTIONING
- Glow? Glamour? Transform?
- Airbrushed? HOW?
- Speaking of brushes. I can not possibly need that many
- Okay I’ll try another aisle
- So many colors
- So many shades
- I’m getting a headache
- What next: gluten-free?
- It’s like a doofus playing madlibs
- Volume, definition, bold, nude, bronze, magic!
- Get me out of here!
- Where did I park my car?
That’s basically how I spent an hour of my life, BUT I did not forget the bread. #PRAISEHIM.
I feel like a normal person again. It only took two exfoliating scrub cloths, a palm-full of deep
cleansing wash, one aloe mask, and a large glass of the classiest box-wine money can buy.
Along my journey, I learned some very important things about myself. One, I know all the words to The Next Ten Minutes; two, I am completely hopeless. Time for reinforcements.
Pam and Ale, as two of my best friends and the nerdiest makeup gurus I know… Help?
To be continued…