Open Letter To My Insecurities

picDear Insecurities,

We’ve been friends for quite some time now, long before high school, long before puberty, possibly even earlier. You’ve kept a steady hand at my back, a tight grip on my shoulders, and made sure to be there in my darkest hours. You’re around when I buy groceries reminding me some things cost more than money and my thighs can’t afford it. You’re there when I look in the mirror and there when I step on the scale, a sweet whisper in my ear saying you should be better.

You’re there to remind me of my failures, so I can remember that I can’t do better.

You play my embarrassments on loop, so I remember who I really am.

You slip in side-by-side comparisons when every pretty girl walks by, so I know what I’ll never be.

You are always there when I fall to remind me this is where I belong.

Over the years I’ve called you different things by the ways of “security blanket” or “that’s just who I am”. You’ve worn different faces in friends and boyfriends and mentors and peers, but mostly one that looks very similar to me.

For so long you’ve been apart of my life, we’ve basically become one, and over time, together, we’ve created something big and impressive, monstrous and terrifying that skulks through the plains of my mind — my own worst enemy.

You recently took on the face of someone I once considered a friend, and in a vile and vicious attack you told me to get some confidence along with other things.

Well here’s step one: Insecurity, kindly piss off.

Actually scratch that, pack all of your shit and leave. Take all of your advice and needling comparisons, take all of your scathing insults and side-eye’d looks and just GTFO. You’re no longer needed here, and most importantly you are not welcomed here.

I will rise above my failure, because I can learn from my mistakes.

I will laugh at my embarrassments, because perfection is boring.

I will smile at and compliment the pretty girl as she walks by, because we all need a little boost sometimes.

And when I fall, I will get back up and soar above everything that knocked me down.

Today, my #wcw goes to me, because without you, I am amazing. Without you, I am fearless. Without you, I am proud to be me.

See you never,

Kristen

Advertisement

Dear 16 year old me…

pen

Dear 16 year old me,

You awkward little ray of sunshine. I love you so much. You are so innocent and naive and it is just so wonderful. We’re 25 now and we’ve done a bit of growing up. I’m not going to lie to you, most of our growing up has happened in the last year! That’s okay though. I feel wise enough to give you the advice I wish I would have heard.

Are you ready? Write this down.

Study more

I know it sounds lame, especially when you are doing just fine without, but your grades will be significantly better. AND you can go to a university instead of community college AND get that full college experience like in Sidney White… and every other college romcom you like to watch. (PS in a few years don’t let anyone give you crap for watching Romantic Comedies.) And think about how excited Dad would be if you joined a sorority (what a weirdo).

Apart from all of that, if you paid attention more in school and current events you wouldn’t second guess yourself as much as you do these days (and by these days I mean the 2010’s babe… you’re damn old now!) or be as dependent on Google. Most importantly… you’d probably be a better speller.

DO NOT TELL THAT BOY YOU LIKE HIM

Despite what the movies, books and magazines say, you are not to, under any circumstances, tell that young man that you think he’s cute and you want to date him! You are a fragile little bird and are not ready for that type of rejection. It will scar you for years. DO NOT DO IT.

The friendzone is a safe place to be until you’re ready to not be an awkward little duckling. And that’s okay, do not rush into this part of your life. Trust me.

Tell your mom you want new clothes.

And clothes that fit. This is important.

Also, Start saying “treat yo self”. In 7 years you’ll have the ego the size of oregon because of it.

Ask Dad to play the guitar.

We both know you hate the saxophone, and there’s no turning back now since you’ve been playing for 6 years or something. So, tell Dad you want to play the guitar. He’ll be freaking thrilled! And he’ll teach you how to play American Pie and you’ll have tons of fun and spend Sunday evenings playing jazz scales and classic rock songs because “you can’t be a rocker if you don’t know where it came from.” But brace yourself because he is totally going to make you play for Granny and Aunt Ruby and god knows who else at Christmas. It’ll be totally embarrassing, but do it anyway because it’ll make him smile.

Stop teasing Dad about his singing

You’ll miss it.

When those girls at school offer it to you, take it!

You’ll know what I’m talking about when it happens. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Lifes too short to live in a box as long as we have. Don’t go crazy. Try it once and let it go.

That book you’re writing…

Finish it. It’s weird because you’re into weird shit like that, but finish it! You’ll feel so great and you probably won’t ever show it to anyone but that’s okay because you did it! And then rewrite it. And again, until you’re ready to show it to someone.

Then keep writing.
Write everyday.

And then fly.

Hang out with Brittany more

I know she’s kind of mean sometimes, and you two fight over stupid things like why she didn’t put your shirt back in your room or why you have to clean the dishes when it’s clearly her day, but it’s more important than you can imagine. And you can’t see it now, but you need her just as much as she needs you.

Trust me.

Spend more time with Dad

Force him to spend time with you. No matter how tired he is. Make him teach you how to draw. Make him teach you how to write music. I repeat, make him spend time with you. Which will probably mean that you have to go to church with him on Saturday nights. Do it, you deviant.
Do not spend so much time on Myspace and DO NOT lie to that boy.

1) Myspace will be a joke in 3 years. I know it’s hard to believe, but there is a thing called Facebook and it’s about to BLOW UP. You should definitely buy some stock with your graduation money.

2) I know you and Michelle think it’s funny, but it’s not, and when you realize that, the guilt will eat you alive. So just tell him the truth. He’s kind of an idiot anyway. It’s really no loss there.

Read your English books

I know you try. But then you get lazy and sparknotes the book halfway through. Don’t do that. READ IT ALL. Highlight the parts you don’t understand and THEN sparknote those sections you don’t get.

You’re life will be so much cooler when you can make witty literary references.

But you know, FRIENDS jokes and references are just as cool.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Listen to me. Just because you don’t do something right the first time doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human and not some freak of nature who was probably genetically created in some lab in the arctic.

But seriously, the saying ‘Practice makes perfect’ exist for a reason. You fail by giving up so quickly. Give it time, and then if doesn’t work out then you’ll know it’s not right for you. Knowing when to quit is different than giving up. Remember that.

Remember you are awesome!

A ton of people will tell you that you are. So much that you’ll need to hear it all the time for reassurance. Stop that. You don’t need to hear it, have faith that you are. Have faith that you can do anything you set your mind to without having to be told constantly.

The sooner you do that the better your life will be.

Stay kind.

You have one of the biggest hearts out there. Never let that go.

Did you get all of that, little bird?

Alright get out of here and back to playing the Sims or whatever.

Dream big, you amazing little weirdo.

Love,

Adult (and slightly awkward) Kristen