South by Southawkward

Hello friends! Long time, no chat – I know. But thanks to Ale for holding down the fort while Pam and I took some time to reflect on how terrible it is being an adult. Yay!

1914555_10204947767608969_1598224248488514624_nEarlier this month, I got to volunteer for South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin. And boy…do I have some stories to tell. First, let me say that I had an amazing time this year at SX. It’s one of my favorite times of the year in the city because in a place that already is bursting with things to do, during SX it’s all in one place and most likely within walking distance (I’ve also recently discovered I’m anti-driving – who knew). If you live in Austin, there are certain known truths about the city: i35 has terrible traffic, there’s always at least one person shouting at you as you walk down Sixth street, someone’s drunk somewhere – always, you can’t touch the horse cops, etc.. During SXSW, multiply that by 50 and the city that “keeps it weird”, get’s even weirder.

Enter me! (she says in parentheses)*

Ale shared her experience a few weeks ago and painted a beautiful image of how wonderful it was. Welp, this blog has it’s name for a reason. So let’s talk about how strange I am.

Picture it, a group of normal people and… well me are standing around chatting when a SXSW employee walks up to us and asks us how we’re doing.

Boy #1: Great!
Boy #2: Pretty Good.
Girl #1: Good.
Me: HI! YES, GROOD. I mean good. GOOD… why am I yelling? *nervous laughter*

EVERY DAMN TIME. The odd fact is – I’m not even shy! I talk to everyone, and normally I’m not a complete freak about it. Jesus take the wheel – I don’t know what happened.

And it didn’t stop there. Jack Garratt walked right by me on the street and I stood there like a flailing idiot and wouldn’t say anything to him. Here’s why that’s upsetting. Since my early concert days, where I now cringe at the memories of my awkward encounters with band members, and truly a horrific picture of me clutching Alex Gaskarth for dear life (no I will not attach the link), I have devised a foolproof plan on meeting celebrities (but that’s another blog post).

By the third day of this, I resigned myself to the fact it was a lost cause.

As some of you might know, SXSW is divided into four different parts: Edu, Interactive, Film, and Music. On the first day of music, Pam hooked it up and got us a spot in line for Sia tickets.
OH! Before I forget, there’s a ton of free food and booze at SX. That’s important because on my way to the Sia line I stopped by the McDonald’s Lounge (hey fran!) and could not get in for my free egg McMuffin because I didn’t have my ID.

As I was regaling Pam and the people we’d made friends in line with the thrilling tale of how I was trying to bargain my way in, Pam stopped me and told me I needed my ID for my Sia ticket. CUSS!

Just then the line started to move and I took off running like an olympic champion. I was super proud of myself honestly. I felt unstoppable, like a bird set free, so alive (see what I did there)… until I realized I was running in the wrong direction.

Here’s a visual of my stupidity.

Screen Shot 2016-04-09 at 9.50.16 AM

The green is the route I should have taken, red is the way I went going, and purple is the way I came back.

I kept clutching my walkie in front of my face and yelling random important-ish words so I looked less like a maniac and more like an official person with very- running-necessary- responsibilities.

Luckily, it all worked out. I got there in time to collapse on the ground and crawl my way to the front of the line. I’m classy, y’all

Honestly, that wasn’t even the first awkward thing I’d done that day! Our crew chief leader was kind enough to let me carpool with her during the week of sx, and this day I waited until we’d parked and started getting out of the car to realize that I’d left my badge at home. Awesome.

Thank god for ridesharing companies like Lyft because I would have felt awful asking Jamie, to drive me back to my apartment. So I call my Lyft and start the wait. But only… I’m not great at reading maps that don’t flip when I change directions. So I kept crossing the street back and forth trying to make it easy for this guy to pick me up and still ended up on the wrong side of the road! To be fair he went to the wrong place.. Whatever.

James, my Lyft driver, was a producer from LA (who isn’t, amiright? JK),and he was kind enough to take me to and from my apartment. In that time we got to talking about his latest project. “The best new horror film of the recent year.” I immediately told him “Pass. I don’t do horror films.” He then tried to convince me it was more suspenseful to which I responded “Yeah, I don’t believe you.” Then! He threw some star power into it. “It’s got Jesse Bradford,” He said, which I promptly confused with Jesse Metcalfe and said” Oh I love John Tucker Must Die.” Oy.

Anyway, towards the end of the ride, I was still not convinced to see the movie (because I’m afraid of everything), but I promised I’d tell my friends. So everyone go Dead Awake when it comes out later this year!

Now back to that free food. As I mentioned, there’s a lot of it but it’s rarely good for you. I’m not the healthiest eater, but even I don’t eat like this every day. So many energy drinks and coffee and tacos and donuts, so much pizza – Jesus help me. Obviously, this reeked havoc on my poor stomach. This is a horrible nightmare for someone who hates using public restrooms for something other than tinkle town.

After the fourth day of trying to hold it until I got home, I realized I was going to have to sacrifice my pride. Then like a heavenly apparition appeared the handicapped restroom – bless all your sensitive bowel needs souls. Now the only problem after that was finding an alternative bathroom when that one was occupied. Again, my walkie came in handy when I was pretending to look important as I trolled the hallways of the Hilton looking for a private-public bathroom.

😀

On St. Patrick’s day I had one goal. Find Green Beer. I’d like to point out that this is my goal every year and I’ve only been successful once. This was not that year. Instead we went to the McDonald’s Lounge and got some free dranks, accidently stumbled into Alex Newell’s set (Yasssssssss honey), and end up at a biker bar where I broke the cardinal rule of SXSW and spent money on alcohol. I know – was living in the moment and buzzed on several glasses of wine. Whatever.

Fast forward to friday. “All aboard!” Struggle bus just rolled in with a passenger of one, and it kept going down Queasy Stomach LN, onto HWY Headache, narrowly missed the ditch near Stumble Falls, and strait off the cliff in Vomitville.

Now we’ve talked about my hangovers, they’re bad, but not this bad. This was some weird Fireball induced fever dream. Or questionable Fish Tacos.

Let me walk you through it.

mefailing

Photo by Jamie!!!

7:00 – Wake up in panic thinking I’ve missed my ride
8:30 – Accidentally fall back asleep and actually almost miss my ride.
9-10:30 – struggle bus starts rolling in
11:00 – board the bus with a slice of pizza because people say greasy food helps. STOP TELLING THAT LIE.
12:00- I say “ I want to ride a Horse Pony”… what?
12:15-3ish – wallow in despair
Sometime after that – eat the questionable fish tacos
Until 8ish – wallow, walow, wallow
8ish after- my body performs some kind of force quit and malfunctions on me. Sorry Hilton Bathroom you were so kind to me. I even sorrier to the person who I had to tell that I didn’t make it to the trash can on time.

After that there’s a lot more vomiting. My personal favorite was the second time at the Youtube club when I ran into a full bathroom, apologized to the room at large, vomited into the trash can, and promptly tied up the bag, because like I said I’m classy.

And there you have it. I never fully recovered from that night while the festival was happening and had to take baby bird sips of everything for the next couple of days to make sure it all stayed down. Apart from all of that, SXSW was great!

Until next time – peace!

Kristen

*IT’S A HAMILTON REFERENCE. LOOK IT UP.

 

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Hello, It’s me…

FullSizeRenderAugust 5th. That’s the last time I posted something. Holy s(censored: my mom reads these!). It’s a gloomy, chilly, rainy day here in Austin. And the first go at this sounded like something a brooding heartthrob in a YA novel would journal about. A quick excerpt:

I’m sitting here, staring out at the grey skies and trying to think of what to write – what to share. I’m caught up in remembering why Ale, Pam and I started this blog, what we wanted to achieve–

Nah, ain’t nobody got time for that. Guys, I cleaned off my desk for this, so pay attention. I know it’s been awhile, sorry about that. But …We’re back! Well… mostly. Anyway. I guess you want some sort of explanation? No? Well you’re getting one any way. A lot has happened since August 5th.

  • I got a promotion
  • My roommate got a promotion
  • My best friend got a promotion
    • (look at my squad, y’all)
  • Discovered X Ambassadors
    • (but please stop playing Renegades everywhere. It’s not that great)
  • Started eating healthy
  • Stopped eating healthy
  • Swore off Fireball
    • Had several shots of fireball since
  • Started drinking less coffee
    • admittedly, I’ve had three small cups today
    • and i bought 4 new coffee mugs
  • Started sleeping more
  • I lost like 15 pounds
    • Correction: I lost like 15 pounds and you can’t really tell
  • I started kickboxing
  • I stopped kickboxing
  • Learned that having long hair means occasionally chewing on it by accident
  • Fell in love with a Podcasts host
  • Joined a wine club
  • Deleted Tinder
  • Looked for a new apartment
  • Found a new apartment
  • Wrote a bunch of nonsense that none of you will ever read
    • never
  • I got bangs again
  • Read the Martian
  • Boycotted Matt Damon*
  • Went to a few concerts
  • Fell in love with the entire firehouse across the street

So yeah. Clearly I’ve been busy! But! I’ll start from the top.

Some time ago, I wrote a post about new beginnings or something like that, that went on about jobs and finding a job that you liked and such, blah, blah. Well I’m happy to say I found it. I found a great spot where I am happy and healthy and loving what I do. Apparently they like me too and decided that I should have more things to do. I’ll take it!

More of those work things, unfortunately meant less time for my beloved blog. Wait for the single shed tear… but in all seriousness. It’s pretty great.

On to the next one. AND BEFORE YOU EXIT OUT OF THE POST, I am not going to talk about all of these. Geez calm down.

So yeah, my roommate got a promotion and it’s awesome. I’m so happy for her and she deserves all of it! But…  I’m freaking out a bit.

Around 8 years ago, I met this girl in line at a Mayday Parade concert. Okay so technically I was eavesdropping and basically kept inserting myself into her conversation with her friend. Who knew I was so rude? Anyway, it paid off because after that we became Myspace friends! We kept in touch, went to a bunch of concert together. And then six years ago we got an apartment together and now she’s one of my best friends, actually more like family. “IT’S THE END OF AN ERA”, they say (I’m sure someone said it). “What are you going to do?” they ask. “How do you like living alone?” Well, my friends. I don’t like it one bit.

Sure, I get to clean up whenever I want, I don’t feel bad about leaving my coffee mugs around, and the AC has not gone below 75 degrees. But I’ve realized a few things about myself.

1) I don’t like being by myself. Like even if we’re on different sides of the apartment and I have no intention of leaving my room to go and talk to someone, I like the idea of having them around!

2) Even though my roommate didn’t drink, and more so watching me dance like an idiot in my infamous one-woman-dance parties, it’s a lot less fun to turn your living room into a dance club when there’s no one there to laugh at you when you trip over the ottoman cube or silently judge you into not having that third glass of wine.

3) I’m terrified of a lot of things. I’ve always known this about myself, but damn, there’s nothing like walking into an empty apartment and then suddenly thinking there’s someone hiding behind your curtains. NOT GOOD.

So yeah, being alone sucks. I’m not really surprised by this. Coming from the person who practically forces people to be friends with her ( I DON’T SEE THEM COMPLAINING THO), there’s no doubt that I would want someone to share my space with.

I have three more months of solitude ahead, so anything could happen. *Ellie Goulding’s Anything Could Happen fades in*

I could learn to love it.

I could continue to hate it.

I could get a cat.

But for now, I’m just gonna dance it out.

See you guys next time.
*Still boycotting Matt Damon. Anyone want my 7 copies of the Bourne Identity?

Open Letter To My Insecurities

picDear Insecurities,

We’ve been friends for quite some time now, long before high school, long before puberty, possibly even earlier. You’ve kept a steady hand at my back, a tight grip on my shoulders, and made sure to be there in my darkest hours. You’re around when I buy groceries reminding me some things cost more than money and my thighs can’t afford it. You’re there when I look in the mirror and there when I step on the scale, a sweet whisper in my ear saying you should be better.

You’re there to remind me of my failures, so I can remember that I can’t do better.

You play my embarrassments on loop, so I remember who I really am.

You slip in side-by-side comparisons when every pretty girl walks by, so I know what I’ll never be.

You are always there when I fall to remind me this is where I belong.

Over the years I’ve called you different things by the ways of “security blanket” or “that’s just who I am”. You’ve worn different faces in friends and boyfriends and mentors and peers, but mostly one that looks very similar to me.

For so long you’ve been apart of my life, we’ve basically become one, and over time, together, we’ve created something big and impressive, monstrous and terrifying that skulks through the plains of my mind — my own worst enemy.

You recently took on the face of someone I once considered a friend, and in a vile and vicious attack you told me to get some confidence along with other things.

Well here’s step one: Insecurity, kindly piss off.

Actually scratch that, pack all of your shit and leave. Take all of your advice and needling comparisons, take all of your scathing insults and side-eye’d looks and just GTFO. You’re no longer needed here, and most importantly you are not welcomed here.

I will rise above my failure, because I can learn from my mistakes.

I will laugh at my embarrassments, because perfection is boring.

I will smile at and compliment the pretty girl as she walks by, because we all need a little boost sometimes.

And when I fall, I will get back up and soar above everything that knocked me down.

Today, my #wcw goes to me, because without you, I am amazing. Without you, I am fearless. Without you, I am proud to be me.

See you never,

Kristen

Dear 16 Year Old Pam:

meinplaneFollowing in the style of Kristen and Ale, I got inspired to write some advice to my younger self and compare as to how the decisions I made in the past molded me into the person I am today. This will also include some cautions that I hope current 16 year olds will consider (Hey, wassup, Hello, you! I keep it chill and totes know all the modern lingo. YOLO, amirite?)

Also the fact that I was 16, seven years ago is blowing my mind right now! If I had been on 16 and pregnant, my child would be in elementary school! (Like usual I compare my life to that of a reality show.)

Dear 2008 Pam:

Let me start off by saying things in 23 year-old Pam’s world are completely different than what we imagined. I know by this time in our life we wanted to be touring the world with one of our favorite bands (probably the Fall Out Boy/Cobra Starship/The Academy Is…) What exactly we wanted to do was unknown – we just wanted to be that person side stage that helped make shows as fun as they were when we experienced them.

Let me give you some insight as to how our life turned out regarding some of the things we daydreamed about in Biology class.

This was literally me in Biology class. This was somewhere between listening to lots of Reggaeton (What happened to that? Did they run out of Gasolina?) and discovering my love for Pop Punk. Also, please note the bandage on my hand from a Bunsen burner and my pink ACDC hoodie.

This was literally me in Biology class. I think this was when I stopped listening to reggaeton (What happened to that? Did they run out of Gasolina?) and discovered my love for Pop Punk. Also, please note the bandage on my hand from a Bunsen burner, chunky yellow highlights and pink ACDC hoodie.

Am I lame for not being in the “popular” crowd?:

As our future favorite author Mindy Kaling states in her book,

“Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.

This quote should single-handedly be your mantra for the next couple of years.
I know we don’t normally stress about trying to fit in with the cool kids, but I’ll admit that we wished we were out raging past midnight or going on all these adventures like our classmates.

Trust me when I say that you’ll have plenty of adventures in years to come, especially once you meet some really great people that push you out of your comfort zone! (Shout out to my ovaries before brovaries and bae!)

Ah, see? I too went through the "Duck Face" phase... apparently while on the yearbook computers.

Ah, see? I too went through the “Duck Face” phase… apparently while on the yearbook computers.

Get involved in school activities:

Let me be the first to tell you that you will bond with a lot of people in the future when you mention that you used to spend hours playing The Sims, but for our benefit try to get involved in journalism or newspaper. This way, we have a better idea of what we want to do with our career AND you’ll get out of the house. It’s a win, win!

It wasn’t until senior year of yearbook (which you’ll join because you want to hang out with your then BFF) that we will realize we like taking pictures/helping communicate to people about a brand/person! Turns out you’re actually pretty good at it because *spoiler alert* you’ll win at a UIL competition for it! (Side note: When you win this, definitely keep competing. Don’t be scared to try new things and go new places.)

Leaving for College:

Which brings me to my next point. Don’t be afraid to look at places other than UTEP. Don’t feel pressured to stay in El Paso. This will be hard for mom to understand, but ultimately she’ll be very proud of you.

In the last couple of years you’ve moved to a completely different city (might as well consider it a state) and you graduated from a great school in under 4 years! You’re going to accomplish great things when you follow your gut. We’re also living in one of the coolest cities in the state and have a close group of friends that make you laugh until your stomach hurts. So whenever you get worried about leaving all your friends and family behind, just know that you’ll soon find a close group of people that you will consider your second family.

Mom:

Oh mom – isn’t she the cutest? Make sure to hang out with her even if it’s just watching over-dramatic Novelas while she’s asleep on the couch. You’ll miss the way she goes “Ay Pame.” whenever you’d rant about something dumb or the way she’d always say hello to your cat before she says hi to you. (We both secretly know she loves that cat more than anything.)

chataIf there’s anything I can forewarn you about, it’s to make sure that cat is house trained before you leave. When Chata (Cat in french with an extra a – ~smooth~) passes away while you’re at college, it’ll be the most heartbreaking call you’ll ever experience.

Mom is better now, I think she still misses someone to take care of but she’s better. She’ll be your biggest cheerleader and best friend – despite her wish to have you back home.
Also, please try and learn some cooking tips from her. This will be very beneficial in your future. I still regret never making her teach me her barbeque chicken recipe.

Get this girl a gavel:

One of the most important things we learned when leaving El Paso is that not everyone has the same views on things as you do. (It’s taken us 7 years to learn this!)
Try to put yourself in other people’s shoes before you judge their actions. This will cause issues in future friendships but ultimately you’ll learn your lesson. Besides, it’ll work out for the better whenever you stop being friends with that blonde girl who told lies faster than fire burns paper.

Boys – sometimes a girl doesn’t need one:

I bet this was something you were anxiously waiting for me to talk about.

I included AWG because at this point he was the ultimate bae (in 2015 this will take the place of "boo".) I don't blame you. After all these years we'll still swoon over his stupid, beautiful face.

I included AWG because at this point he was the ultimate bae (in 2015 this will take the place of “boo”.) I don’t blame you. After all these years we’ll still swoon over his stupid, beautiful face.

Good news is, just like we suspected, it’s not the end of the world if you wait until you find a good guy. If I remember correctly, we’re currently crushing on the pot smoker who you tutor after school?
(How very, Tutor Girl/One Tree Hill of you!)

As I remember this, I’m surprised at how well you picked out your crushes! (Hear me out.)

Even though he’s high 95% of the time, he always buys you your favorite tea and is very polite and understanding that you don’t do the drugs and alcohol thing.
This friendship was strictly business! He’s a good guy, but I’m glad we never dated him. THAT would’ve gone over very badly with mom.
(Fun side note: You’ll run into him one summer after you come back from college and he’ll thank you for singlehandedly helping him graduate high school. It’s a cool moment!)

There were a couple of other boys in the mix after that. One was clueless and you spent almost a year and a half trying to get him to notice you while you helped him apply for colleges.
The other one would’ve been fun, but he never seemed to pick up on the clues that we liked him. Looking back on it now, present Pam would’ve said something but it probably worked out for the better! These things definitely happen for a reason.

Maybe if we had at least tried dating one of these boys, you’d have a better idea of this girlfriend thing and give your future boyfriend less headaches.

I won’t tell you about the boy we end up with or how it happens – that would ruin the surprise! Just know that you won the lottery with this one and you’re lucky you’re in love with your best friend.

ENOUGH OF THAT.

I included this picture of myself with magenta hair, because we used to do this.

I included this picture of myself with magenta hair – because I’m still proud we did this.

Just for our entertainment, I want to review the songs from 2008 we were BUMPIN on that little CD player you took to the bathroom when you were getting ready for school. (At this point, future Pam would like to take some time and give you kudos for being able to stay up until 1 a.m. then wake back up at 6:00 for school. How you did that is pure wizardry.)

I Kissed a Girl – Katy Perry
PAST PAM. Let me be the first to warn you, PLEASE go see Katy Perry perform when you go to Warped. You will get in line for the meet and greet and be 2 people away from her before they cut the line, but listen to her road crew when they say she has a set coming up. You will be semi-butt hurt because you didn’t get to meet her and you will regret every single day of your life that you didn’t watch her set before she turned into a pop star.

When I Grow Up – The Pussycat Dolls
I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but the Pussycat Dolls are no more.
Also, I still don’t know if they say groupies or boobies – the internet will not confirm.

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) – Beyonce
Beyonce is queen in 2015 and this will be the song everyone plays at their wedding when you have to stand on the dance floor and pretend you want a ring on it. (We currently are working to convince our boyfriend we want a puppy.)

Get back to surfing the web and figuring out your new myspace profile. That’s all for now kiddo. Be proud of who you are and keep doing what you do!

Future Pam

When life gives you lemons, you sometimes wish for limes because they go better with tequila

Snapchat--2672837582882681986Alternatively named: the process of an all-day hangover.

Step 1:  Participate in an all night rager.  Well technically in my case it wasn’t an all night type of deal. It normally isn’t. I tend to be promptly in my bed by 3:00 – 3:30 AM, which yes I know in typical fashion is considered pretty late, but I used to work at a bar and so this is just an hour or so past closing time ( feel free to hum semisonic for the rest of the blog post).  But no, this was not some full throttle Project X type of ordeal. In this instance it was more like two poorly timed tequila shots. Feel free to switch the song in your head to 0 to 100 because that’s how most of my nights seem to end up.

Step 2: Wake up immensely confused. Not in the sense of holy shit where am I? But more like: Why did I do that again, or why is my computer so close to my face, or why does my arm hurt in that spot specifically?

Step 3:  Try and remember what happened the night before. Which immediately leads to…

Step 4: Try and go back to sleep. Step 3 can be revisited at a later time. Hopefully, well after several cups of coffee.  Step 4 can be tricky for many reasons. 1. Do I have to work? Because I have had the misfortune of making yet another terrible mistake like turning up on a Tuesday then yeah, Step 4 is not an option for me.  2. Sometimes my head hurts too much for me to go back to sleep and I’m promptly pushed into the next part of my day.

Step 5: Find water. This does not sound like a hard task. I know. But sometimes finding the will to pull myself out of bed and over to the nearest source of water is the last thing on my mind. Cotton-mouth be damned.

Snapchat-20141130031938Step 6: Forget water and guzzle down coffee. No real explanation needed.

After this step, my day can go a couple of different ways. The fog in my head will lift and I become a regular, or as close to it as I ever come, functioning adult.  It really depends on the type of hangover I wake up to.

Sometimes I just wake up confused, like there’s cotton in my head or something. Plus I always feel a few steps behind everyone else and incredibly slow in understanding things. Try doing a phone interview like this. I D I O T.

I feel like the most popular hangover experience is waking up hungover. But even worse than the immediate “wake-up you’re hungover” is the “surprise! It’s three hours into your day and now you’re furiously ready to puke everywhere.”

I hate it! I feel bamboozled by my own body.  I wake up feeling victorious because I’ve escaped a hangover finally. Then the symptoms slowly creep in. A little twinge of pain in my head here,  a questionable gurgle in my tummy there,  then like a damn freight train to the face, hello full blown hangover. Like I don’t have plans or something.

I’ll be honest. I’m hungover a lot. It’s nothing I’m particularly proud or ashamed of, just a matter of fact. I figure most people go through their stage of drinking/partying all the time when they are in college.  I didn’t get to do that! My first two years of college I lived at home, and when I went to university, I was not in those partying circles, mostly due to the fact that my closest friend was a few years older than me and totally against that type of living. Bring on the board games.

The sad thing of it all, is I have yet to find a decent hangover remedy. I’ve looked online, called my seasoned partying friends and family and asked them for advice; I haven’t really found one thing that works.  Some of them don’t work at all!

Most importantly I’d like to congratulate myself for finishing something as eloquent as this </sarcasm>, while hungover. You’re welcome internet.

Peace out,

Kristen

 

You Know What They Say When You Assume…

When I become a mother, I’m going to make sure to emphasize to my child that being a kid will be the easiest thing they’ll ever have to do in their life. Not in a naggy, “You don’t appreciate anything” kind of way, but in a “Dude, appreciate naps now because in college you’ll literally daydream about taking a nap” way.

Kids have it so easy! They get to nap, watch tv and play all day, homework is easy and they never have to budget or worry about their taxes. As kids though, we also run into a lot of awkward moments that will scar us for the rest of our lives – especially when we’re trying to go to sleep and our brains seem to think this is the best time to bring an awkward moment up.

Here's elementary school Pam modeling her newest shoes, featuring Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She was my favorite "Disney Princess" - my mom never told me she wasn't an actual DP.

Here’s elementary school Pam modeling her newest shoes, featuring Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She was my favorite “Disney Princess” – my mom never corrected this.

One of my favorite memories from being a kid is when I tried acting like I had my life together and the universe gave me a big, NOPE. We’ve all done it. We’ve tried to act like badasses before realizing, to our embarrassment, we were dead wrong.

One morning while I was in the fourth grade, I remember getting off a bus and running to the playground to show my best friend my new Esmeralda sneakers I’d gotten for my birthday.
I spotted my friend’s long brown hair across the field and immediately took off at full speed to greet her. Once I reached her, I playfully poked her in the back (something we always did) to let her know I had arrived. The brown hair swooped around and to my horror the face staring back at me was not my best friend.

This random girl stared at me – making the world slow down to the most painfully awkward seconds of my entire life. I was literally paralyzed in fear as I stared at this stranger. After about two more seconds, I turned around and ran across the blacktop straight into the hall of my homeroom.

Sometimes I can still hear the squeak of my sneakers running down the hall when I drive by elementary schools. *shivers*

Good thing is I made this mistake back in elementary school, not over social media like someone else I know.Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 12.13.03 AM(Don’t worry Kim… I too thought it was Georgio…)

Being a kid is all about learning how to deal with situations like this when you’re thrown out into society as an adult. Thankfully, this experience has made me become more aware of who I’m going to greet before I approach them. I’ll definitely make sure to let my future children know that they need to take all this into consideration before they go around poking random children.

Dear 16 year old me…

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Dear 16 year old me,

You awkward little ray of sunshine. I love you so much. You are so innocent and naive and it is just so wonderful. We’re 25 now and we’ve done a bit of growing up. I’m not going to lie to you, most of our growing up has happened in the last year! That’s okay though. I feel wise enough to give you the advice I wish I would have heard.

Are you ready? Write this down.

Study more

I know it sounds lame, especially when you are doing just fine without, but your grades will be significantly better. AND you can go to a university instead of community college AND get that full college experience like in Sidney White… and every other college romcom you like to watch. (PS in a few years don’t let anyone give you crap for watching Romantic Comedies.) And think about how excited Dad would be if you joined a sorority (what a weirdo).

Apart from all of that, if you paid attention more in school and current events you wouldn’t second guess yourself as much as you do these days (and by these days I mean the 2010’s babe… you’re damn old now!) or be as dependent on Google. Most importantly… you’d probably be a better speller.

DO NOT TELL THAT BOY YOU LIKE HIM

Despite what the movies, books and magazines say, you are not to, under any circumstances, tell that young man that you think he’s cute and you want to date him! You are a fragile little bird and are not ready for that type of rejection. It will scar you for years. DO NOT DO IT.

The friendzone is a safe place to be until you’re ready to not be an awkward little duckling. And that’s okay, do not rush into this part of your life. Trust me.

Tell your mom you want new clothes.

And clothes that fit. This is important.

Also, Start saying “treat yo self”. In 7 years you’ll have the ego the size of oregon because of it.

Ask Dad to play the guitar.

We both know you hate the saxophone, and there’s no turning back now since you’ve been playing for 6 years or something. So, tell Dad you want to play the guitar. He’ll be freaking thrilled! And he’ll teach you how to play American Pie and you’ll have tons of fun and spend Sunday evenings playing jazz scales and classic rock songs because “you can’t be a rocker if you don’t know where it came from.” But brace yourself because he is totally going to make you play for Granny and Aunt Ruby and god knows who else at Christmas. It’ll be totally embarrassing, but do it anyway because it’ll make him smile.

Stop teasing Dad about his singing

You’ll miss it.

When those girls at school offer it to you, take it!

You’ll know what I’m talking about when it happens. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Lifes too short to live in a box as long as we have. Don’t go crazy. Try it once and let it go.

That book you’re writing…

Finish it. It’s weird because you’re into weird shit like that, but finish it! You’ll feel so great and you probably won’t ever show it to anyone but that’s okay because you did it! And then rewrite it. And again, until you’re ready to show it to someone.

Then keep writing.
Write everyday.

And then fly.

Hang out with Brittany more

I know she’s kind of mean sometimes, and you two fight over stupid things like why she didn’t put your shirt back in your room or why you have to clean the dishes when it’s clearly her day, but it’s more important than you can imagine. And you can’t see it now, but you need her just as much as she needs you.

Trust me.

Spend more time with Dad

Force him to spend time with you. No matter how tired he is. Make him teach you how to draw. Make him teach you how to write music. I repeat, make him spend time with you. Which will probably mean that you have to go to church with him on Saturday nights. Do it, you deviant.
Do not spend so much time on Myspace and DO NOT lie to that boy.

1) Myspace will be a joke in 3 years. I know it’s hard to believe, but there is a thing called Facebook and it’s about to BLOW UP. You should definitely buy some stock with your graduation money.

2) I know you and Michelle think it’s funny, but it’s not, and when you realize that, the guilt will eat you alive. So just tell him the truth. He’s kind of an idiot anyway. It’s really no loss there.

Read your English books

I know you try. But then you get lazy and sparknotes the book halfway through. Don’t do that. READ IT ALL. Highlight the parts you don’t understand and THEN sparknote those sections you don’t get.

You’re life will be so much cooler when you can make witty literary references.

But you know, FRIENDS jokes and references are just as cool.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Listen to me. Just because you don’t do something right the first time doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human and not some freak of nature who was probably genetically created in some lab in the arctic.

But seriously, the saying ‘Practice makes perfect’ exist for a reason. You fail by giving up so quickly. Give it time, and then if doesn’t work out then you’ll know it’s not right for you. Knowing when to quit is different than giving up. Remember that.

Remember you are awesome!

A ton of people will tell you that you are. So much that you’ll need to hear it all the time for reassurance. Stop that. You don’t need to hear it, have faith that you are. Have faith that you can do anything you set your mind to without having to be told constantly.

The sooner you do that the better your life will be.

Stay kind.

You have one of the biggest hearts out there. Never let that go.

Did you get all of that, little bird?

Alright get out of here and back to playing the Sims or whatever.

Dream big, you amazing little weirdo.

Love,

Adult (and slightly awkward) Kristen