So it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. Lets just say I am in an interesting place. A place I haven’t been in before in my life to say the least, so I’m trying to adjust. 2017 is a year of change and self-awareness for me. I’m truly going through a full self-reflection.
Many things have happened since the start of 2017. I moved to a new city and state, got a new job, witnessed some crazy things within my friendships and oh yeah got a puppy.
And guys, we’re only halfway through and I am beat.
The amount of breakdowns I have had this year are out of control. A person who never cries has cried more times than I’d like to admit and I feel tired all the time. Worn down is more like it. So I did something…
I decided to succumb to the thing that I always said I wouldn’t do. I finally looked in the mirror at myself and tapped into what was truly going on.
So clinically I have been diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. Typing this out knowing that possibly my loved ones and people who barely know me could read this makes my chest tight. Makes me want to hit the red button in the top left of this word document and delete it all. But see everyone, this is something I have been doing for so long. I have been ignoring the fact that I am a very sad person. I can’t see my self worth and just feel down 90% of the time. I am finally coming to terms with putting that label on myself, to talking about it, to being open about it. I did this because, well, I need to stop hiding from the fact that I have been avoiding this sickness. It’s been eating me alive for longer than I can remember.
As much as I HATE to do this, and view social media as a toxic thing in my life I needed to speak out about it. I needed to lay it all out there because this is me accepting that this is apart of me, but not who I am. I am battling this disease; I promise you this is a battle, an ongoing one at that. I have continuous hope that I will defeat this, I have to. I will not let the thoughts of no longer being here take over, for they have crept up too many times in the past year than I would fully like to admit.
I know most people have said to me, wow, I would have never known. You put up a good front, you hid it so well. Well I am not going to hide it anymore. I am going to now address it and stop looking at myself as a phony. The song “Fake Happy” by Paramore could not have come out at a better time in my life because that is me most days.
I am sorry to everyone that has seen me become irritable, distant and all over the place, if you are apart of my immediate life, you are so incredible for sticking around as I go through this. Most of you don’t even know how much your love and care has helped me through this.
I guess I’m posting this publicly to let this be something that is not looked down upon anymore and to not be ashamed of it. Just because I suffer from depression does not make me a bad person, or should be looked at any differently than I was before. I am not doing this for attention or sympathy, more of awareness. Be thankful for the people in your life, and just because they have a smile on their face does not always mean they’re the happiest. Be respectful, thoughtful and appreciative of everyone’s worth in this world. We’re all here for a purpose, and I’m trying my damn hardest to figure out mine.
If you read all of this you’re a gem. So I thank you. From the bottom of my heart.