Learnin’ to Walk Again: How 24 May (Not) Be My Year.

Now I know what you’re (Kristen) thinking.
“This girl is so depressing! Glass half empty!”

BUT hear me out.

For some reason ever since I turned 23, I’ve felt like I’ve been experiencing my (early) quarter life crisis and now that I’ve turned 24 – I still don’t feel like I have my sh*t together.

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For some reason this anxiety always takes over whenever I’m alone in my car driving to and from work. (It probably doesn’t help that my commute is easily 40+ minutes.)
I’ll admit this is mostly my fault because I always end up listening to heartbreak/my life sucks songs. Why these are my songs of choice, LORDE knows. (I blame the feels I get from belting out “I Will Survive” while driving on the interstate.)
I’ve always heard that whenever you have something on your mind, it’s best to write it out and get it off your chest. Of course some of these things I probably shouldn’t be posting to the internet because then it’ll probably end up on my E! true Hollywood story when I become a famous _______. (Future producer of my documentary, please fill this in at your earliest convenience. Thanks!)
But part of me feels like I can’t be the only one who feels this way. I’m also interested to see if some of these things will change within the next couple of years.

(Please note that these things will probably read better if you’re listening to some mid 2000’s punk pop. Preferably some “Take this to your Grave” by Fall Out Boy.)

Am I a failure?

Most of my close friends (bless them) know about my personal struggles over the past year with this question. I felt alone all the time. Even though I was constantly with people! It’s pretty silly to read that as I type it because I’m in a better place now, but the feeling still creeps up every so often.
I felt very defeated and drained for having to deal with various negatives things and people. None of which matter anymore but it was very rough on me mentally and emotionally.
I’m proud to say that I’m now I’m at a better place all around. I’ve gotten a promotion at work and am surrounded by some pretty amazing people that are always there to cheer me on. Even after I’ve listened to “Little Too Much” by Natasha Beddingfield a little too much. (HAD TO!)

Help me, I’m poor.

This one is a bit more embarrassing than I’d like to admit. I daily wish I could magically add two zeros to the $5 in my checking account. I also ignore the tumbleweeds in my savings account.

But that’s what happens when you’re a independent person that has to pay for:

  • Rent
  • Car
  • Car Insurance
  • Renters insurance
  • Health Insurance
  • Gas
  • Credit card debt from when that lady at Wells Fargo suggested I use a credit card to pay off things in college (WHY WOULD YOU SET UP A 18 YEAR OLD FOR FAILURE)
  • Various other debts
  • The list goes on and on.

Sometimes I literally feel like Lily from How I Met Your Mother.
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And I know someday there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. And I really owe a lot of credit to my boyfriend that takes on all the groceries and bills at our apartment. (You are an angel from Heaven.)
But waiting for that moment to come really keeps me up at night – I can’t wait for the moment I’ll finally be able to add that extra guac into a burrito at Chipotle.

Relationships are hard.

Hollywood. I have you to blame for most of this.
Having never dated someone for 20+ years and growing up on TV shows and movies that made relationships seem like a piece of cake has been the single biggest letdown of my life. Only One Tree Hill has semi refreshed my judgement and that’s only because they’ve literally scared me from thinking happiness is possible. JK, but if you’re a OTH fan, you’ll understand.
I’m not saying that my current relationship is the worst thing I have going on in my life and that my boyfriend is terrible, but I was genuinely thinking that once I got a boyfriend everything would be easy as 1, 2, 3.

I’m currently very blessed to say I have an amazing boyfriend that puts up with all my craziness, but it’s taken a lot to get to this point!

By a lot I mean:

  • A lot of bickering over little things (I’ll never forget the 20 minute Brita battle)
  • A lot of crying (on my end)
  • A lot of real arguments

But these moments have also made me appreciate when I know I’ve found a great guy. Someone who:

  • Holds me when I cry over having a rough day or week.
  • Makes me laugh over silly inside jokes we create together
  • Is always there to push me to be a better person and encourages me to follow my dreams.

Why aren’t I successful and traveling the world like everyone else?

This one is more selfish than anything.

I’ll admit it’s hard for me to not become envious whenever I scroll through my Facebook or Instagram feed and see someone travel to a cool new place or afford things I can only get in my dreams. That dumb little green monster always likes to whisper in my ear.
BUT I am more than that.

I have found my new mantra and I will live by it.

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I will look back on this post and know that even though 24 may not be my year because I won’t be able to change most of these things in less than 12 months, I will learn to be positive. I will encourage myself to be the best person I can be.

I’ll get to be 100% comfortable with my life and know that everything will be okay.maybe-its-not-my-weekend-but-its-gonna-be-my-year-quote-2

Let’s make our drives full of happy music and count our blessings!
We’ve got this gang!

Peace n’ Blessins,

Pam

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True Life: How I Got out of the Friend Zone

Dating is tough, especially with all these dating apps and sites making you feel like you’ll find the one right away. What they don’t tell you is that it’s never that easy. I personally chose to wait until I got into a relationship with someone I could consider my best friend.

Make dating easy for yourself. Try and have fun! Meet lots of new guys and put yourself out there! Once you let go of all the expectations, you might find yourself meeting that special someone out of the blue and it’ll all be worth it.

Try and keep your cool - unlike my friend Chandler here.

Try and keep your cool – unlike my friend Chandler here.

I’m not here to say I’m an expert on relationships, because Lorde knows my boyfriend and I pick fights over the dumbest things. Mostly this is a “this is what I’ve learned/what I wish I would’ve done instead” type of post.

Living in the Friend Zone: I used to live in the friend zone and I was totally okay with that. The thought of dating boys terrified me because I had no idea how to be someone’s girlfriend.
I grew up in a single-parent household where it was just my mom and I – very Gilmore Girls, minus the witty banter because Hispanic mothers are not about that.

I got my tips on dating from movies and shows, which we all know is a huge letdown because I never had a guy write me a letter every day or play a boom box outside my window (granted I grew up in the Walkman/iPod era, so it would’ve had to have been on a speaker system.)

hlosUPWThe most attention I ever got from a guy was if I was helping him with his homework (i.e. let them copy, but joke was on them because I was not a straight A’s student) or if I quoted some song or movie the certain person liked. Even if I got attention from a guy, I had no idea how to handle it – I feel like I self-sabotaged lots of potential relationships because I was so awkward.

Tip: If you ever feel/have confirmation from a friend that a guy likes you, seize the moment. You’ll look back on this and regret you never said anything if you don’t.

If you don’t care about rejection, then tell him yourself! Make sure you’ve talked to this guy long enough to where you know you want to pursue something and mention you’d like to go to dinner and a movie sometime. If he’s interested, he’ll be all for it. If he’s not, hopefully he won’t be a jerk about it and let you down easy. If he’s an ass, then GOOD RIDDANCE. (Please make sure to give me his address so we can slash his tires while blasting some Carrie Underwood.)

The one that got away:
I was in the fifth grade and I was head over heels for this boy named Jorge.
From what I remember, he was tall (for a fifth grader), Hispanic, played sports and word in the hallway was he liked me too! I’m pretty sure we never dated because we were waiting till we went to middle school in order to feel more ~mature~ about it.
Then, I switched middle schools the summer before 6th grade and I never saw him again.

More than “Just Friends”:
EVERYONE KNOWS WE’RE MEANT TO BE, FALLING IN LOVE JUST YOU AND ME TILL THE END OF TIME.” If you can name that song, then you and I should be best friends forever.

Picture this: You and your “friend” have been hanging out for a couple of weeks/months/years now and you both can feel the chemistry. You are constantly hanging out with this person and you would love to make this official. When do you jump into the relationship? My experience was definitely different from your average, “Hey I like you, and we should date” scenario.

319329_4421027604187_1444885954_nI knew my boyfriend for a full year before we started dating. We were introduced to each other my freshmen year of college and we spoke/hung out occasionally until the mid-way through the fall semester of my sophomore year. Since we lived in the same apartment complex, this made it super easy to call each other up and say “Hey, wanna study?” or “Hey, wanna go out to eat?”

I didn’t think anything of it until we had a fall out with a mutual friend that turned out to be a scum-sucking road whore that tried to ruin our lives. We found comfort in each other as we both ended up losing friends and were both embarrassed we let this person into our life.
Months later, we were definitely hanging out more often than normal friends do.

I think the moment everything changed and went into this “soooo, are we dating?” situation was when he kissed me during SXSW 2012 while we listened to that “Young, Wild and Free” song by Snoop Dogg. Yes, this was my first kiss song and it was very romantic.

Months followed and he still hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, but we were “technically” dating.

Tip: This is what I meant by, “If you have confirmation someone likes you, then bite the bullet and ASK THEM OUT.” Do NOT wait this out. Boys can be clueless and assume you’re dating without having to ask you.

It wasn’t until one evening in November (yes, I waited this long) when we were working out that I finally got clarification on our relationship status. I was telling him this story about how a guy was trying to ask me out earlier that day on the shuttle to school.

To this he simply went, “Why didn’t you tell him you were seeing someone?”
Me: “Because I didn’t know I was seeing someone? Am I seeing someone?”
Boyfriend: “Yes!”
Me: “Then why haven’t you asked me to be your girlfriend??”
Boyfriend: “Because…” he paused, “I haven’t asked someone out in a long time!”

He said this all in one breath and quickly went back to working out. Turns out he was too nervous to ask me out because he didn’t want to lose me as a friend/girlfriend. (Even guys get shy about asking someone out.)

unnamed (1)Now, I tell you this story because if you have the same awkward situation going on in your life, make sure to clear things up immediately!
I wouldn’t change my experience for anything in the world. I think it’s hilarious and now I’m head over heels for this goofy, talented guy that makes me feel like it was all worth it.

This week’s post is dedicated to a certain special someone to celebrate our three year anniversary.
You’re all I need, and I love you and I like you, B!